I am the happiest I have been in weeks. I'm not entirely sure what it is this time. But I do so enjoy this feeling and I'm hoping that it will stick around. I hate feeling miserable.
Yet, I am at a crossroads with the people in my life. I am left feeling like no one truly cares.
People just wait for their turns to speak. No one really listens to what the other person has to say unless it directly involves them.
I care. And I'm looking for someone, as a friend, that will put in that same effort.
I don't want to be someones entertainment while they pass the time at work or while they wait for something better to come along.
My circle of friends is very small. And my friends have their own lives that keep them busy. Just as my life keeps me busy.
I'm alone.
I'm lonely.
No one truly gets that. No one truly appreciates what that means. No one seems to really grasp what it means to be there for someone else.
Everyone is in it for themselves.
Everyone but me, it seems. I'm here for others. I'm a great person. And I love meeting new people.
I just wish someone would be here for me.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
New Years Resolutions.
Alright. Here we are three days into the new year and it's time for me to finally put my plans for a better me into motion.
My New Years resolutions aren't too big, they are smaller things that I want to focus on that might lead to bigger choices down the road. I'm not trying to restrict myself to just the year. Or the whole year on some of these. Some I'm hoping might turn into life long habits!
First:
I'd like to start taking prenatal vitamins again. Not because I want to get pregnant, not that they make you pregnant, but because when I was pregnant I was the healthiest that I had ever been. I figure there is a lot more of what I need in those vitamins and taking them every day will be a good way to ensure my body is getting some of what it needs.
Second:
I want to start drinking this concoction that I found on Pinterest. It's 1 cup grapefruit juice, 2 tsp of apple cider vinegar, and 1 tsp of honey. You are suppose to drink this before each meal, so three times a day. I made it this morning with much hesitation as I thought the vinegar would be over powering, but I think the honey took the edge off. It was hard to drink. Not sure if it was just mental for me or what but the small cup seemed to take me forever to drink down. I know it's suppose to assist in fat burning and all that, so I'm not sure how long it would take to see results if any...so this one is going to be hit or miss. But I do plan on trying to drink this before each meal.
Third:
This is a money saving tip that I am hoping will start now and last a lifetime. This is another Pinterest idea... Each time you have a 5 dollar bill, do not spend it, save it. And at the end of the year buy something big, invest it, or do whatever. I am taking a week off in September for my birthday (if things in my life stay how they are), so the goal is to save until then and use that money to fund my vacation. Granted that I never actually have cash, I'm not totally sure how much I'll be able to save, but I think I might surprise myself.
Fourth:
I want to continue to be more organized. I think I am the most anally organized person that I know, but I know I have more ways that I could continue to declutter my life in all kinds of ways.
Fifth:
And this is the biggest one for me, I eat out with some frequency. More than I should. And more than I want. I know it will be impossible for me at this point to cut out eating out all together...so for now the goal is that if I am to eat out that I will only get salads. I like salads. This won't be a problem. And some places have really good fucking salads. So this one I'm actually looking forward to implementing. I haven't eaten out since the start of the new year yet.
I think that's it. There is no x amount of weight I want to lose. No x amount of time to do this or that. Things will happen at their own pace and as they are meant to. Slow and steady wins the race.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
My New Years resolutions aren't too big, they are smaller things that I want to focus on that might lead to bigger choices down the road. I'm not trying to restrict myself to just the year. Or the whole year on some of these. Some I'm hoping might turn into life long habits!
First:
I'd like to start taking prenatal vitamins again. Not because I want to get pregnant, not that they make you pregnant, but because when I was pregnant I was the healthiest that I had ever been. I figure there is a lot more of what I need in those vitamins and taking them every day will be a good way to ensure my body is getting some of what it needs.
Second:
I want to start drinking this concoction that I found on Pinterest. It's 1 cup grapefruit juice, 2 tsp of apple cider vinegar, and 1 tsp of honey. You are suppose to drink this before each meal, so three times a day. I made it this morning with much hesitation as I thought the vinegar would be over powering, but I think the honey took the edge off. It was hard to drink. Not sure if it was just mental for me or what but the small cup seemed to take me forever to drink down. I know it's suppose to assist in fat burning and all that, so I'm not sure how long it would take to see results if any...so this one is going to be hit or miss. But I do plan on trying to drink this before each meal.
Third:
This is a money saving tip that I am hoping will start now and last a lifetime. This is another Pinterest idea... Each time you have a 5 dollar bill, do not spend it, save it. And at the end of the year buy something big, invest it, or do whatever. I am taking a week off in September for my birthday (if things in my life stay how they are), so the goal is to save until then and use that money to fund my vacation. Granted that I never actually have cash, I'm not totally sure how much I'll be able to save, but I think I might surprise myself.
Fourth:
I want to continue to be more organized. I think I am the most anally organized person that I know, but I know I have more ways that I could continue to declutter my life in all kinds of ways.
Fifth:
And this is the biggest one for me, I eat out with some frequency. More than I should. And more than I want. I know it will be impossible for me at this point to cut out eating out all together...so for now the goal is that if I am to eat out that I will only get salads. I like salads. This won't be a problem. And some places have really good fucking salads. So this one I'm actually looking forward to implementing. I haven't eaten out since the start of the new year yet.
I think that's it. There is no x amount of weight I want to lose. No x amount of time to do this or that. Things will happen at their own pace and as they are meant to. Slow and steady wins the race.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, December 21, 2012
It's The End Of The World as We Know It...
....and I don't feel fine.
:(
Things need to change. With every aspect of who I am.
Everyone comes before me. I put myself last because...I simply don't have enough hours in the day to please everyone.
I'm severally neglected by my own self.
I can't remember the last thing I did or even purchased that was with myself solely in mind.
I'm not as broke as I could be. I work hard and make a decent amount of money. I could afford to treat myself to something once in awhile, but there is this overwhelming feeling of guilt that will come over me.
Last weekend I went to a movie. Not because I wanted to. I didn't even pay to see the movie. My mother paid me so she could watch my son. Who has a sitter that pays them to watch their children?? It's crazy. I let my mother watch my son, because she was begging to do so. Not because I wanted to be away from my son.
I was grateful for the break, but my son is my full time responsibility and I don't mind that. He is the most important person in my life. He is my everything. I would do anything and everything for him. And I do.
With most of the interactions that I have on a daily basis it's becoming less about me and more about those around me.
I'm struggling to see my worth or feel that I'm important to anyone. I feel used and taken advantage of and overlooked. I feel unappreciated and disrespected by most everyone that I know.
I wish I could fully open up and express myself, but I don't feel like anyone cares. I feel misunderstood and alone.
I just want to disappear. I'm already invisible. Would anyone really notice?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
:(
Things need to change. With every aspect of who I am.
Everyone comes before me. I put myself last because...I simply don't have enough hours in the day to please everyone.
I'm severally neglected by my own self.
I can't remember the last thing I did or even purchased that was with myself solely in mind.
I'm not as broke as I could be. I work hard and make a decent amount of money. I could afford to treat myself to something once in awhile, but there is this overwhelming feeling of guilt that will come over me.
Last weekend I went to a movie. Not because I wanted to. I didn't even pay to see the movie. My mother paid me so she could watch my son. Who has a sitter that pays them to watch their children?? It's crazy. I let my mother watch my son, because she was begging to do so. Not because I wanted to be away from my son.
I was grateful for the break, but my son is my full time responsibility and I don't mind that. He is the most important person in my life. He is my everything. I would do anything and everything for him. And I do.
With most of the interactions that I have on a daily basis it's becoming less about me and more about those around me.
I'm struggling to see my worth or feel that I'm important to anyone. I feel used and taken advantage of and overlooked. I feel unappreciated and disrespected by most everyone that I know.
I wish I could fully open up and express myself, but I don't feel like anyone cares. I feel misunderstood and alone.
I just want to disappear. I'm already invisible. Would anyone really notice?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Crushing Hard
Ugh.
Here I am a week later after getting ditched by a twat whistle and yet....I have a hardcore crush on someone.
What am I doing????
Why do I continue to blur the line of friendship into something more?
He seems, thus far, pretty great. He lives closer than penis boy, but he doesn't live here. In fact...he lives in another country. We again met off of Reddit. He is currently unemployed and lives with family. I am not saying that as a negative. Not really sure why I'm mentioning it at all. I guess just trying to remind myself how far fetched it would be for all of this to be more physical and less online.
I like the way he makes me feel. I like when he shares stories with me. I like that I am allowed to share stories with him. I feel at ease and comfortable with him.
We have skyped in a totally non sexual way and that has been amazing. I love his face. And I like seeing his smile. It's refreshing to talk to someone that doesn't just throw their cock in my face.
So I have a crush. He knows how I feel. I think I know how he feels.
But I have to keep realistic about all this and not allow myself to get ahead of myself.
Slow and steady wins the race.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Here I am a week later after getting ditched by a twat whistle and yet....I have a hardcore crush on someone.
What am I doing????
Why do I continue to blur the line of friendship into something more?
He seems, thus far, pretty great. He lives closer than penis boy, but he doesn't live here. In fact...he lives in another country. We again met off of Reddit. He is currently unemployed and lives with family. I am not saying that as a negative. Not really sure why I'm mentioning it at all. I guess just trying to remind myself how far fetched it would be for all of this to be more physical and less online.
I like the way he makes me feel. I like when he shares stories with me. I like that I am allowed to share stories with him. I feel at ease and comfortable with him.
We have skyped in a totally non sexual way and that has been amazing. I love his face. And I like seeing his smile. It's refreshing to talk to someone that doesn't just throw their cock in my face.
So I have a crush. He knows how I feel. I think I know how he feels.
But I have to keep realistic about all this and not allow myself to get ahead of myself.
Slow and steady wins the race.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A New Day!!!!
I am actually laughing about everything that happened yesterday.
Mostly laughing at myself for being so...'heartbroken' over him. What a waste of emotions for me. I think it hurts so much, because of how my last relationship ended. I just wanted to be liked so badly that I was willing to attach my star to the next person who paid me the smallest bit of attention.
I'm calling this a HUGE lesson learned and moving onward and upward.
He is a selfish twat who cares more about his small penis than anyone or anything else. That is his loss. He'll see that someday..when he isn't jacking off or talking about his small penis. Yes, I am focused on calling his penis small because part of me is still hurt. It's childish and I am the first to admit that.
He did actually have the balls to refund my money back to me. Which I have to actually applaud him for. I feel bad for the others that have donated, I see he has more in his fund now than just the money I gave. I just truly wonder what he will actually be using the money on.
I was discussing all of this with someone today and it's funny...but I didn't even really think about this, but they pointed out...if he was as broke as he was how could he afford all his sex toys. A fleshlight, a pump, a clone a dick kit, and the powder to go with it, and 3 different masturbation sleeve things. Plus, he bought a ton of DVDs and he was buying the components to build himself a new computer (he says it was for his son, but he barely has his son...so I am sure it is more for himself). I had totally overlooked all of that...but damn, if he was that hard-up for money, he could have easily saved himself a ton right there by not getting all these sex toys.
But anyway.......it's done. It's over. I'm moving on.
Life goes on.
Shit happens.
But we can't dwell on those that don't deserve our time. He never did and I was foolish for thinking he ever did.
I'm smiling today.
Mostly laughing at myself for being so...'heartbroken' over him. What a waste of emotions for me. I think it hurts so much, because of how my last relationship ended. I just wanted to be liked so badly that I was willing to attach my star to the next person who paid me the smallest bit of attention.
I'm calling this a HUGE lesson learned and moving onward and upward.
He is a selfish twat who cares more about his small penis than anyone or anything else. That is his loss. He'll see that someday..when he isn't jacking off or talking about his small penis. Yes, I am focused on calling his penis small because part of me is still hurt. It's childish and I am the first to admit that.
He did actually have the balls to refund my money back to me. Which I have to actually applaud him for. I feel bad for the others that have donated, I see he has more in his fund now than just the money I gave. I just truly wonder what he will actually be using the money on.
I was discussing all of this with someone today and it's funny...but I didn't even really think about this, but they pointed out...if he was as broke as he was how could he afford all his sex toys. A fleshlight, a pump, a clone a dick kit, and the powder to go with it, and 3 different masturbation sleeve things. Plus, he bought a ton of DVDs and he was buying the components to build himself a new computer (he says it was for his son, but he barely has his son...so I am sure it is more for himself). I had totally overlooked all of that...but damn, if he was that hard-up for money, he could have easily saved himself a ton right there by not getting all these sex toys.
But anyway.......it's done. It's over. I'm moving on.
Life goes on.
Shit happens.
But we can't dwell on those that don't deserve our time. He never did and I was foolish for thinking he ever did.
I'm smiling today.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Love Sucks
I went ahead and fell for a dude that was so emotionally uninterested. He was fresh out of a break up. A girl he described as being total perfect for him. But she left him out if the blue and just stopped talking to him....that really should have been my first red flag.
I met him on Reddit just before Halloween. He seemed interesting. We had common interests. He was easy to talk to. But he was dull as fuck. J, I know you are reading this and I know I told you about how dull he was weeks ago. I should have bailed then. Second red flag.
He has this blog and allllll he blogs about is his tiny penis. It's a very cute penis. It's just...very tiny. It's like one thing to be proud of having a huge dong, but the way he talks about his tiny penis is just like...whoa dude...calm down...there is so much more to life. But then again, he was very dull so maybe for him there actually wasn't. Red flag number three.
I feel like being vindictive and sending his face and personal information out to everyone. I could. So easily. I knew a lot about him and he knew very little about me. He knew very little because he didn't give two fucks about me. Fuck!!! I am such an idiot for even bothering to care about this guy. Red flag number four.
I even was pathetic enough to plead with him to remain my friend after he told me good bye repeatedly tonight. I am so lonely that I would rather have a dull self centered prick in my life than be without said self centered prick. I'm lame. I know. Fuck!!! I need to work on my self esteem. I'm so much better than this.
He told me good bye....because I started talking to other people. Because I was looking for someone that was actually going to take an interest in me. An actual interest in knowing who I was. And because I called him out for not caring about me. So he said good bye.
I'm angry that he took money from me. I'm angry at myself for giving him money. I knew I should have waited to give him even a dime of my money, but the way he talked about money and how poor he was...I fell for it. I am glad I didn't give him much. And I had planned on giving him more. So at least I had the common sense to not give him more.
I'm sad that I knew better. I knew that before I even fell for him that he was a self centered douche bag. He is one of these, the whole world is out to get me types and how every ex he has ever had has been worse than the last.
I'm sure to somehow be on that list. Even though he never really said anywhere that we were together. It felt like we were together at times. But I knew we never really were. He just wanted someone to inflate his ego and watch him jerk off. Which I did do. And once I showed him my tits. It made me feel good. I'm not sure I regret that, but I wish I could have saved doing that for someone who actually deserved to see the goods.
There are always two sides to every story of course. So I want to include here two of our last emails:
Mine to him: If you don't know what to talk about and I don't want to talk about
anything until we can resolve what is going on with us then I don't
know what to do.
All I seem to do is annoy and irritate you.
I just don't know what I am doing wrong.
And if I don't know, I can't change.
And I am willing to change for you.
Him to me:You aren't doing anything wrong and you haven't been annoying me. I've just been feeling like there is more incompatibility than compatibility with everything that's been going on. I was hesitant going into this because of the distance and it seems like the only thing we have is talking, which we aren't good at doing.
I don't want you to change for me. I'd rather you stay the wonderful person that you are. I don't want to hurt you, but it seems like I've done that too much already. I'd rather just end the pain before it gets any worse on either side and let you move on to find someone who can give you everything you deserve. I'm sorry and I hope you know that you are an amazing person. You deserve so much happiness and more out of life.
I think he just got bored with me. I think I no longer inflated his ego and he needed a new play thing. Maybe he needed someone more willing to get naked for him. Maybe he needed more money or things I couldn't provide.
What I could provide and did provide was love and friendship. I am not a bad person. And I so deserve better. I so deserve someone who will take an interest in getting to know me.
Hey if anything maybe he will write a retaliation blog and it won't just be about his tiny penis.
Fuck I feel better now.
Good bye Mr Big Daddy. And fuck you. Fuck you for making me care when you didn't do anything to deserve that.
I am going to go fuck the UPS man now!!!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I met him on Reddit just before Halloween. He seemed interesting. We had common interests. He was easy to talk to. But he was dull as fuck. J, I know you are reading this and I know I told you about how dull he was weeks ago. I should have bailed then. Second red flag.
He has this blog and allllll he blogs about is his tiny penis. It's a very cute penis. It's just...very tiny. It's like one thing to be proud of having a huge dong, but the way he talks about his tiny penis is just like...whoa dude...calm down...there is so much more to life. But then again, he was very dull so maybe for him there actually wasn't. Red flag number three.
I feel like being vindictive and sending his face and personal information out to everyone. I could. So easily. I knew a lot about him and he knew very little about me. He knew very little because he didn't give two fucks about me. Fuck!!! I am such an idiot for even bothering to care about this guy. Red flag number four.
I even was pathetic enough to plead with him to remain my friend after he told me good bye repeatedly tonight. I am so lonely that I would rather have a dull self centered prick in my life than be without said self centered prick. I'm lame. I know. Fuck!!! I need to work on my self esteem. I'm so much better than this.
He told me good bye....because I started talking to other people. Because I was looking for someone that was actually going to take an interest in me. An actual interest in knowing who I was. And because I called him out for not caring about me. So he said good bye.
I'm angry that he took money from me. I'm angry at myself for giving him money. I knew I should have waited to give him even a dime of my money, but the way he talked about money and how poor he was...I fell for it. I am glad I didn't give him much. And I had planned on giving him more. So at least I had the common sense to not give him more.
I'm sad that I knew better. I knew that before I even fell for him that he was a self centered douche bag. He is one of these, the whole world is out to get me types and how every ex he has ever had has been worse than the last.
I'm sure to somehow be on that list. Even though he never really said anywhere that we were together. It felt like we were together at times. But I knew we never really were. He just wanted someone to inflate his ego and watch him jerk off. Which I did do. And once I showed him my tits. It made me feel good. I'm not sure I regret that, but I wish I could have saved doing that for someone who actually deserved to see the goods.
There are always two sides to every story of course. So I want to include here two of our last emails:
Mine to him: If you don't know what to talk about and I don't want to talk about
anything until we can resolve what is going on with us then I don't
know what to do.
All I seem to do is annoy and irritate you.
I just don't know what I am doing wrong.
And if I don't know, I can't change.
And I am willing to change for you.
Him to me:You aren't doing anything wrong and you haven't been annoying me. I've just been feeling like there is more incompatibility than compatibility with everything that's been going on. I was hesitant going into this because of the distance and it seems like the only thing we have is talking, which we aren't good at doing.
I don't want you to change for me. I'd rather you stay the wonderful person that you are. I don't want to hurt you, but it seems like I've done that too much already. I'd rather just end the pain before it gets any worse on either side and let you move on to find someone who can give you everything you deserve. I'm sorry and I hope you know that you are an amazing person. You deserve so much happiness and more out of life.
I think he just got bored with me. I think I no longer inflated his ego and he needed a new play thing. Maybe he needed someone more willing to get naked for him. Maybe he needed more money or things I couldn't provide.
What I could provide and did provide was love and friendship. I am not a bad person. And I so deserve better. I so deserve someone who will take an interest in getting to know me.
Hey if anything maybe he will write a retaliation blog and it won't just be about his tiny penis.
Fuck I feel better now.
Good bye Mr Big Daddy. And fuck you. Fuck you for making me care when you didn't do anything to deserve that.
I am going to go fuck the UPS man now!!!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
I think I'm crazy!!
Seriously, I have such drastic mood changes...there could be something wrong with me.
Last week was such a dark and gloomy week for me. I felt like I just could not dig myself out of the shit I was feeling. I was just feeling miserable and down about everything. It sucked.
Toward the end of the week I was starting to feel better. The weekends always make me feel better. Which is strange, because the weekends mean I am not working. And sometimes I like working just because it gives me something to do and something to keep my mind off of everything else.
But I was really looking forward to last weekend as I just wanted to spend some time with just my son and I did that. And it was good.
By Sunday night, I felt 100% better than where I was on the Monday night before.
I came to realize that I have been trying to hard to force certain things. I really need to let things happen how they are going to happen. I can't control other people. I can only control me. I can not let others get me upset or worked up. I can't make people like me. Either they are going to or they aren't. I am done trying to do things to make people like me. I am going to be me. Realizing that, was like a huge weight was lifted and I feel so much better!
I reached out...once again...on reddit. I was very specific for what I was looking for and what I wanted this time in my r4r post and I got so many responses that I was simply overwhelmed with how many people wanted to connect with me. I am hoping to make some good lasting friendships out of the responses I have already received.
I think I might be crazy....but I think it's okay to be a little crazy. Not everything is perfect. Not everything is going to be perfect. I have to realize that that is okay. It's okay to be down once in awhile. But I can't let myself stay down. I have to know that it will pass. It always does.
Last week was such a dark and gloomy week for me. I felt like I just could not dig myself out of the shit I was feeling. I was just feeling miserable and down about everything. It sucked.
Toward the end of the week I was starting to feel better. The weekends always make me feel better. Which is strange, because the weekends mean I am not working. And sometimes I like working just because it gives me something to do and something to keep my mind off of everything else.
But I was really looking forward to last weekend as I just wanted to spend some time with just my son and I did that. And it was good.
By Sunday night, I felt 100% better than where I was on the Monday night before.
I came to realize that I have been trying to hard to force certain things. I really need to let things happen how they are going to happen. I can't control other people. I can only control me. I can not let others get me upset or worked up. I can't make people like me. Either they are going to or they aren't. I am done trying to do things to make people like me. I am going to be me. Realizing that, was like a huge weight was lifted and I feel so much better!
I reached out...once again...on reddit. I was very specific for what I was looking for and what I wanted this time in my r4r post and I got so many responses that I was simply overwhelmed with how many people wanted to connect with me. I am hoping to make some good lasting friendships out of the responses I have already received.
I think I might be crazy....but I think it's okay to be a little crazy. Not everything is perfect. Not everything is going to be perfect. I have to realize that that is okay. It's okay to be down once in awhile. But I can't let myself stay down. I have to know that it will pass. It always does.
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